The morning after I tried to kill myself,
I laid in bed and scrolled through my facebook feed,
And read an article entitled,
16 Unexpected Things to Make with a Hot Glue Gun.
The sun “streaming through my windows,”
Was making me hot so I kicked off the sheets and got up
And went to the bathroom as though nothing had happened
The night before.
If my head wasn’t pounding,
I would’ve thought it was all just a terrible dream.
You see, last night I took the remainder of my muscle relaxers,
Then thought about tracing lines
Onto my arm with the blade of my pocket knife
Or chugging the rest of the Svedka I had sitting
In the bathroom that the internet
Advised me would cause seizures if I drank it
To wash down the pills that felt stuck in my throat.
I laid in bed and tried to fall asleep before I could add on,
To my list of idiotic things I did.
I took 5 methocarbamol pills.
Two point five grams of muscle relaxers that muddled my mind
Just enough to put me to sleep before it could
Kick me while I was down.
Honestly the thing I was worried about most,
Was that no one would find my body.
But maybe it was really a worry that no one would
Find me in time.
In time for what?
In time to make sure that i didn’t actually succeed.
Before I laid down for the final time to sleep
I typed up an apology to my best friends.
I gave them instructions on how much I took,
And what they would need to bring to the hospital.
It wouldn’t have mattered because by the time they
Found me I would be better,
In the morning I woke up with a headache,
And plans to hang out with my best friend,
Because I had felt it coming on the night before
And I made plans to try and keep me from doing anything stupid,
I got up and went to class.
A friend and I ate Blow Pops while we talked about our theses.
Mine’s about psychological manipulation in a SciFi novel.
Seems almost fitting.
Her is about time.
We joked about getting drunk in the library because
We were all secretly alcoholics to get through college.
Then I went and hung out with the girl who saved my life
Freshman year. She still doesn’t know she did. Maybe
She never will, but she brought light into the darkness
All those years ago and as we sat on her porch,
The day after I tried to kill myself,
The sunlight streamed onto my face and,
I knew I wouldn’t kill myself tonight because
Suicide is a thing that happens in the dark.
~Kayla Shea Rdesinski