Today I came within one word of,
Being committed to a psych ward.
If I’d just said,
Instead of no,
I would find myself in a hospital.
A cold, calculating prison,
Putting my physical state finally,
In the same place as my mind.
My mind is a jail;
It is a hold up where I’m being held,
Hostage to my own thoughts.
If I’d said that,
I’ve thought about it.
I have the means.
It’s probably better that David took my pills with him,
That night and still,
Hasn’t given them back,
I would be in a psych ward,
My thoughts finally winning in their fight,
To capture me,
Kick me down and kill me.
But I said no.
While I know how I would do it,
I said no.
No, because I’m living now,
And I want desperately to live.
I told her no because yes,
Yes was a surrender.
The alternative is unacceptable.
Yes is reserved for when my mind wins,
And my mind can’t win.
Everyday I struggle to hide this battle.
I put on a mask,
I fix my makeup and dry my eyes,
I tell my counselor,
I’m not suicidal.
Because me, I’m not.
I want to live, but my mind,
That’s a different story.
My mind has been trying to murder me since I was 12,
And my sister got sick,
Or I was 16 and I was gay,
Or I was 17 and I was raped,
Or I was 20 and I almost got drugged,
And stuck in the back of some guy’s car,
But still it was an almost.
My mind fights dirty,
But I’ve always managed to make a daring last minute escape.
Just when I feel like I can no longer breathe,
I fight my way to the surface and suck in a breath of air,
Only to be sabotaged by my head.
A bullet comes whizzing by and I manage to duck.
The train comes barreling toward me and somehow
Somehow I get my hands loose and untie my bonds.
I jump off the tracks only to see the train collide with the air where
My body was just seconds ago.
And I’m not in a psych ward
Because the answer was
I don’t want to die.
~Kayla Shea Rdesinski